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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23776480">karma</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/deotninuna1102/pseuds/deotninuna1102'>deotninuna1102</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The Boyz (Korea Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Anxiety Attacks, Anxiety Disorder, Character Death, F/M, Gen, Sad Ending(?), Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, sangyeon was mentioned</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-04-21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-04-21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-02 20:22:08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,235</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23776480</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/deotninuna1102/pseuds/deotninuna1102</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>she is afraid that karma will hit her. not that she did something to deserve it. it's not her. it's her parents</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Ji Changmin | Q/Reader</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>karma</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>// !!trigger warning!! //</p><p> </p><p>mentions of mental health, self-harm and family problems may trigger you.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>it's better to be held than holding on</p><p> </p><p>the first time she had an anxiety attack was when she had an argument with her mom about having an affair with a guy who's half her mom's age. someone that can pass as her older brother but not as father or a step one. </p><p> </p><p>" i thought you'll be the first one to be happy for me ... why are you being like this? " her mom asked , as soon as she got hom from work. all tired and exhausted . </p><p> </p><p>she had been ignoring her mom for weeks now , almost a month after she found out her new affair. </p><p> </p><p>she didn't reply. she didn't even look at her mom. it was her way on expressing how she feels about the issue. well , it's an issue for her but for her mom... her mom doesn't think it's a serious matter. it's just love. she's in love. </p><p> </p><p>" YVONNE I AM TALKING TO YOU ! SINCE WHEN DID YOU LEARN TO BE THIS RUDE?! OF YOU HAVE PROBLEM WITH ME .. SAY IT TO MY FACE! DON'T JUST IGNORE ME! " her mom grabbed her wrist and made her look at her. </p><p> </p><p>she faced her. with a straight face. not showing her emotions. just a blank one. </p><p> </p><p>" will something change if i tell you my problem,mom?" , she started. trying to be composed as much as she can. </p><p> </p><p>her voice is cold... she tryna calm herself and not raise her voice when her mom already had hers. she wanted to just rest. she just resigned from work because her workplace was not good for her mental health now. and on her last her boss still made her feel exhausted from the final workloads she have to finish today. she thought of just shutting herself in her room as soon as she got home but her mom confronted her.</p><p> </p><p>" just how many times have i already voiced out myself but in the end my opinions and feelings were invalidated? mom , you never listen to me.. you only listen to yourself and now what... you thought i'll be happy because you finally found someone... someone who will love you? " she paused.. took a deep breathe and before she can utter any words again.. a tear left her eye.. no- tearS left her eyes which she immediately get rid off as she wiped it off harshly with her hands. </p><p> </p><p>" mom i never thought of getting a lovelife because i only think of giving you a good life... my priority here is you... i don't care about me.. i don't care about me being alone and not having someone i can lean on because i have you... mom , am i not enough??? are you not worried on what others will tell you? mom i'm- "</p><p> </p><p>exhausted. her mind and body was exhausted. she is exhausted. and having this kind of talk just is making it worst. </p><p> </p><p>"I DON'T CARE ABOUT WHAT THEY'RE GOING TO SAY! I LOVE HIM! I LOVE SANGYEON AND HE LOVES ME! CAN'T YOU JUST BE HAPPY?! " as expected , her mom cannot really keep it cool... gripping tighter on her wrist. she doesn't complain ho it hurts. </p><p> </p><p>she hissed at the mention of the word "love". it is making her speechless. her mom is making her speechless. </p><p> </p><p>" love? " she mumbles bitterly and heaves an exasperating sigh. </p><p> </p><p>" MOM HOW CAN YOU LOVE SOMEONE YPU JUST MET?! YOU JUST MET HIM A MONTH AGO... AND YOU ALREADY LOVE HIM?! AND FOR PETE'S SAKE MOM... WE'RE ALMOST THE SAME AGE?! I- " </p><p> </p><p>she wasn't able to finish her words. she felt her cheeks ... she slapped her.. her mom slapped her, crying. </p><p> </p><p>she's done.. </p><p> </p><p>she's done with her mom. being an illegitimate child already left a big scar in her because she have to endure hearing words from her relatives saying she was an embarrassment. a mistake. she wasn't welcome in their family.. she's an outcast. she's the only illegitimate child in the clan. </p><p> </p><p>she run as fast as she can. she doesn't want to be in that house anymore. it suffocates her. everything. her mom... the stubborness of her mom. </p><p> </p><p>her feet lead her to changmin's apartment. she found herself outside the latter's house. </p><p> </p><p>" changmin... i need you. " she gasped for air ... her chest clenched.. it's even making her harder to breathe.. she doesn't know what's happening. her hands were numb.. she wanna stop crying but she can't. </p><p> </p><p>everything that's happening is foreign for her. she needs someone to see her right now.. she wants to end her life many times but this scares her... she doesn't want to die now.. she just wanted to cry it all out. </p><p> </p><p>" c-changmin... " she knocked weakly .. almost made a bare sound. </p><p> </p><p>please changmin... i badly need you now. </p><p> </p><p>as if changmin heard her , the door opens and as soon as she felt her self numb , two pair of arms are wrapped around her. she wanna stop crying.. she's afraid she will die if she wont. </p><p> </p><p>" hush.. hey calm down.. take a deep breathe.. inhale..exhale " changmin didn't panic. instead she tried to calm her down. it's not the first time he encountered this situation. he was also the one who helped her sister calm down when she had a panic attack. </p><p> </p><p>" c-changmin... i don't want to cry anymore.. i am tired ... it's making me hard to breathe.. i am going to die.. please i want to stop crying.. " she begged.. weakly gripping on changmin's shirt. she was kneeling as her legs gave up as well. </p><p> </p><p>soothing her back , changmin hugged her even more. not too tight. just enough to make her calm and feel warm. </p><p> </p><p>" i' m here... calm down.. you won't die. i won't let you die. " he whispered softly , she's slowly calming after after some time.. he's relieved as soon as she stops crying. she fell asleep in his warm hug.</p><p>she's dying inside , she wants to think that it's a lie</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>it's already been months since she moved out and live separately from her mom. yes , she also got a new work. well it's better than the corporate world she said. because she's working at a dog cafe now. dogs make her feel happy and forget about her worries atleast. she thought of getting one tho. </p><p> </p><p>nothing much changed... she still overthinks and gets stress over things. she still question herself if she has been a good daughter... she is still bothered by the fact that she's an illegitimate child and her father doesn't seem to care for her. the fact that her mother is still in a relationship with that sangyeon guy who even messaged her and met her up just to prove her that he loves her mom. </p><p> </p><p>there's too much on her plate ... it's never empty. ironic because she feels empty but there's a lot going on her mind. </p><p> </p><p>what bothers her the most is that changmin never contact her after that day... after that day she confessed her feelings for the guy.</p><p>why changmin would do that?</p><p> </p><p>changmin... </p><p>changmin is always there for her.. </p><p>changmin is someone who gives her warmth when her world is cold. </p><p>changmin is her safe haven. </p><p> </p><p>changmin is her comfort.</p><p> </p><p>changmin.. made her feel special even tho she knows herself she doesn't deserve any of it. </p><p> </p><p>ji changmin, the very first guy who made her feel loved. the guy that she fell in love with despite denying it many times and the fact that she despise the word love.</p><p>you wanna hurt yourself, i'll stay with you</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>" changmin ... his number is always out of reach... " she sighed heavily. throwing her phone on her bed as she tried to call him again today. </p><p> </p><p>" i thought he like me too... her sisters told me to... so i gave it a shot. to confess to him.. how dare him ignore me now? that pretty hurts but if he will show up and apologize .. i will still accept him.. " </p><p> </p><p>here she goes.. talking to herself again as she do the laundry. she does the laundry as soon as she woke up this morning. she have work later in the afternoon so might as well do some chores. </p><p> </p><p>her new place was at the rooftop and she loves having breakfast outside.. sitting at the bench while staring at the busy view of the city. </p><p> </p><p>she felt something moving and as she turn to know what is the thing.. ghana came to her running.. almost making her drop her cup of coffee. </p><p> </p><p>her face lits up as she swats and carries ghana. she know changmin will appear anytime soon. if ghana's here of course changmin's also here. how will ghana find her . she can't help but smile at the thought but she gotta act like she is mad because hell why not.. changmin been ignoring him for months.. just glad the latter noted the new address she sent the moment she moved here. </p><p> </p><p>she can hear footsteps coming but she plans to ignore changmin at first of course. so she tried to avoid looking to see the person going to her. but it's weird.. the sound of the footsteps sounds like some girl wearing high heels.</p><p> </p><p>when she saw pair of stilletos instead of the sneakers which changmin loves to wear.. she frowns. why would changmin wear stilletos and the feet ..very feminine so she immediately whoever the person is and she immediately stands up to greet changmin's.... mom?</p><p> </p><p>" oh auntie... oh sorry i thought it was changmin.. so rude to me to greet you just now " she shyly bowed down and apologized. ghana jumped out of her arms and runs around the place. </p><p> </p><p>changmin's mom only gave her a smile... a sad one. </p><p> </p><p>" i am sorry.. i am not changmin.. " changmin's mom started , voice suddenly shakes but she cleared her throat asap. </p><p> </p><p>" don't apologize auntie..  it's okay.. just surprised to see you here.. i thought your in the province. " she shyly smile and offers the older lady to have a seat on bench. </p><p> </p><p>"that guy owns me a beating" she thought to herself.</p><p> </p><p>she was surprised when changmin's mom hugged her and suddenly cried when she was just about to ask about the guy. she suddenly felt as if she was being showered by an iced water.. </p><p> </p><p>it's not what she was thinking... isn't it? </p><p> </p><p>" changmin... changmin killed his ownself , my dear.. it's been 3 months since he left us... " </p><p> </p><p>and right there she broke down.... why??</p><p> </p><p>why would changmin do that??</p><p> </p><p>why hasn't he told her anything about what's bothering him??</p><p> </p><p>why .. too many whys in her mind.. </p><p> </p><p>isn't she not enough that changmin can't even rely on her??</p><p> </p><p>after changmin's mom left.. she doesn't know what to think.. what to do... her mind's once again clouded ... but this time her heart's broken. double kill. </p><p> </p><p>she texted her manager she can't make it to work today. </p><p> </p><p>ghana.. </p><p> </p><p>ghana was left with her... and an mp3 player which was handed by her earlier before changmin's mom left. </p><p> </p><p>she's numb.... at this moment... she's not feeling anything.. she's feeling empty. she had cry over the past hours and still fortunate she doesn't get any attacks. </p><p> </p><p>after her first attack... she was afraid it will happen again... but changmin told her he'll be right there for her of that happens again. </p><p> </p><p>-- </p><p>" hello , this is ji changmin~ " an awkward laugh .. it was the first thing she heard as she played what's in the mp3 player. </p><p> </p><p>changmin's voice there wasn't the voice she's familiar with. it was a lifeless one... and sad. </p><p> </p><p>" i know you already hate me from ignoring you after your confession... i am sorry.. i just can't accept your feelings knowing that i... " sobs.. he is crying... he was crying... , " knowing that i will be gone for good.. "</p><p> </p><p>she broke down again as she listens to the whole recording. </p><p> </p><p>" i am sorry... i told you i will always be there for you... that if ever you happen to have an attack again i will be right beside you.. i am sorry... i am sorry i loved you.. no- i love you but i can't fight to live my life... i am just too tired of everything... please forgive me " </p><p> </p><p>" i love you... please remember that. you are enough. you are good enough and you're doing your best to be enough. please know that you're a good daughter to your mom. and that she loves you so much. " </p><p> </p><p>"i am sorry i have to leave you like this .. but i will say this again.. i love you very much. more than ghana... i hope ghana doesn't hear this part " he tried to pull a joke but both him and her devastated and crying so hard this time. </p><p> </p><p>" please take care of ghana for me... i already told her to take care of you for me... i love you... thank you for coming to my life " </p><p> </p><p>and as the recording ended ...</p><p> </p><p>it's starting again...</p><p> </p><p>it's happening again...</p><p> </p><p>but this time... no one's there to calm her..</p><p> </p><p>except for ghana. </p><p>she thinks it's her karma for being the result of an affair... she thinks that's the reason why this have to happen to her... to be left by someone she loves.</p><p> </p><p>" changmin .. you know i am happy when i am with you... wait for me.. i'll be right there. "</p><p> </p><p>and there she followed him. hoping she will meet him at the place where life doesn't give them reasons to end it.</p>
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